A New Level of Internet Stalking

Much like the losers from this Onion article, I'm obsessed with examining the minutiae of mash theory visitors.

And my research has paid off. I'm pleased to announce that this little old blog is google's #1 search result for the phrase "cody matherson can i borrow a feeling." Woo hoo! It feels good at the top.

Other searches that have brought strangers far and wide to my little corner of the world?
"mash theme song scary"
"worst album covers can i borrow a feeling"
"who is voice of lady elaine fairchild"
"puppet lady creepy"
"puppet lady scary feelings"

and my personal fave:
"swimming in oil and vinegar simpsons"

Happy Friday!

rad, creepy, mashy image by machine

Also Mash: Discount Furniture Stores

You walk into the showroom to peruse multiple pre-fabricated living rooms, family rooms, bedrooms, and dining rooms in miniature.

There's lots and lots of plaid. Also, lots of stained wood. Also, it's a sunny Sunday afternoon and all you want to do is go home and watch your damn cartoons.

What is it about Sunday afternoons that makes things so much mashier?

Word of the Day

I'm a big dork - for many reasons - but one of them is my love for word of the day from dictionary websites. Lots of days I barely look, and when I do I barely care. But some days, a real treasure pops up.

Case-in-point, word of the day for Saturday, June 24:
Brobdingnagian: gigantic; enormous.

What a great frickin' word!

Five syllables, all nearly unrecognizable. It sounds like it'd be fun to say with an Irish accent. It has "ding" as a syllable. It's capitalized for no apparent reason; I imagine it as an ironic name given to one of the thumb-sized Lilliputians from Gulliver's Travels. It totally sounds like it could be.
"Oh, that Brobdingnagian - his eyes are bigger than his stomach! He thinks he's the size of Gulliver, don't he?"

Not that appetizing, actually

Another treat from the UK:

Can food be mash?

Memory Lane: Not a Vacation Destination

If vacations can be mash, which I certainly think they can (ghost towns, anyone?), this little museum in Wales might just be at the top of the itinerary.


Looks fun, right?

Specializing in old mechanical toys, tin boxes, broken dolls, educational games, and early trains, cars, and airplanes, the Museum of Chilhood Memories sends chills down my spine... and not in a good way.

A few snippets of the reviews? Coming right up:

Every room, every exhibit, breathes the Magic of Childhood.

From Nursery and tin plate toys to teddy bears and arcade games, there is something for every age group to relate to. [by "every" they mean "none"]

From an historical angle, it illustrates visually the habits and interests that brought pleasure to families over the past 150 years. [hurray for the historical pleasures of the family! nope, not mash at all.]

God, so many great memories of these old friends.

Book your ticket today!

The Face of a Generation

Steve Aoki, aka DJ Kid Millionaire, aka everywhere's resident hipster, has moved beyond his role as music maestro, Benihana heir, and women's studies scholar (scroll down for that one) to become the future of fashion... or, at least, beauty.

It seems that MAC Cosmetics' new line, Boy Beauty, draws hefty inspiration from the DJ muse, methinks.

See for yourself!

MAC clues us in to the new Aoki-inspired look:

What does a boy want? Same as the girls. Flawless skin, immaculate brows, soft-to-kiss lips. All incorporated into a collection destined to define, condition, and add glowingly handsome "boy beauty" to your looks. Girls can try it too!

I'll take two of everything, stat!

The Horrors of Lady Elaine

My eyes!!!

A keen friend referred me to the unbelievable mashness of Lady Elaine Fairchilde from Mister Rogers' Neighborhood. This chardonnay-loving she-puppet exudes staggering amounts of mash from each and every enlarged pore on her frighteningly engorged nose (speaking of "ew").

A quick google search unearthed a treasure trove of commentary on the Lady. An entire message board details her mash-like qualities without quite knowing how to articulate that creepy, dirty feeling.

I'll let these folks speak for themselves:

i used to have nightmares about lady elaine, the woman who lived in that spinning thing... in my nightmares, [she] used to appear in my clothes inside of my closet. and if a kid's show can do that, it must be evil.

I hated all the puppets, especially that scary red-nosed Lady Elaine and her stupid rotating museum thing

... between the ages of 3 and 6 I kept confusing Lady Elaine and Nancy Regan. They were both scary middle aged women who dressed in red and lived in a house with ionic columns.

Lady Elaine Fairchild was creepy and mean in her Museum-Go-Round.

I really really loved this show when i was little but when [Mr. Rogers] went to puppet world and... to Lady Elaine's house i would have to shut my eyes and cover my ears...I was completely terrified by lady elaine i had to sleep with my dad for 5 years and i would have nightmare that she would be right out my window and i thought if I would get up at night she would grab my feet under the bed..I know its sounds stupid but this show scared me for life..DAMN YOU LADY ELAINE AND YOUR STUPID RED NOSE

Sure, kids love this kind of stuff!

I have to wonder, are all puppets scary-mash or do Lady Elaine and the Sleestaks uniquely possess mash's elusive je ne sais quoi?

UPDATE: Lady Elaine Fairchilde, the blog. Kinda awesome.

Mash Memories: Land of the Lost

This may be a controversial one, but Land of the Lost epitomizes Mash so fully and completely that I can't let it slide. The grainy, greenish film quality, the surreal timelessness, and the sci-fi pupeteering gave this young lassie nightmares for years.

Oh, and the Sleestaks... the absolutely terrifying Sleestaks.

[[[shudder]]]

Ya feel me?

EXCLUSIVE: Can I Borrow a Feeling?

Simpsons Jokes Not as Original as They May Seem

So, a few days ago, I got an email titled, "The Worst Album Covers of All Time."

One of the featured masterpieces is super sexy Cody Matherson's album, Can I Borrow a Feelin'?


Sexy Town, Population 1

Ring any bells, Simpsons fans? It's the same name as the demo tape created by Kirk van Houten on a ridiculously funny episode from 1996. van Houten's song - a real classic, btw - later ended up on a Simpsons soundtrack.

The copyright-infringing van Houten holding the infamous demo tape.

That's right, folks! You heard it here first!

I can't resist...

Cats that look like Hitler. Hilarity ensues.


(via defamer)

iPoo

(link via Gawker, but that genius headline is all mine)

Not a joke: Get your own here.

Linksssss

• How to cheat good.


• "Let's face it, if he can't find the time to work on a mortgage for a famous celebrity, how will he handle the average person?"


• "Gay" is the new "rubbish"... hmmm

Mash Across America

Mash dispatch from the field!
Laurin sends in her list of mash-tastic treats from the heartlands of this great country of ours. From Oakland to New York, The List:

• Highway political advertising: "Hell is Real"; "It's Not a Choice, It's a Life"; and the entire Ten Commandments
• All of Ohio, but, more specifically, a Walmart in Mansfield with an unusually high number of "Gummo-like" characters. Missing teeth, stains, and medical walkers were just the tip of the iceberg
• "Restaurant" (mash in a good way): towns so small that there's literally no need to specify which "restaurant" it is. Many offer helpful reading materials at your table, like, "You know your dating a woman if..."
• Nashville's "indie scene"
• Chinese buffets on Route 70, generally in asphalt motel complexes, conveniently located near dirty swimming pools
• The billboard: "If you can wish, you can believe"
• Namaste bumper stickers
• The windowless trailer as thrift store [ed. note: this sounds pretty rad to me!]
• Reno wellness coordinators who answer the phone at 4am...actually, wellness coordinators in general

Thanks, Laurin! Keep on truckin'!

The Highs & Lows of Writing a Dissertation Prospectus

As experienced by me:

• low: getting started (see post below)
• high: realizing you've written other papers that can "offer" material
• low: staring at the computer screen for days on end
• low: mysteriously and painfully tweaking neck muscles after staring at the computer for days on end while exhibiting very poor posture
• high: rereading what you've written and thinking, "damn, that's kinda good"
• low: rereading only to realize that what you've written doesn't make a lick of sense
• high: completing a chapter description
• high: inventing new sandwiches
• low: getting up at 5am (i went to grad school to *not* get up at 5am)
• low: dreaming about prospectus-writing
• high: in the dream, your friend tells your sleepy dad a heart-warming story about pearl jam while you're whole family laughs in bed together, charlie bucket-style
• low: carpal tunnel syndrome
• high: finishing! woo hoo!
• low: revising all summer long

Things to do instead of writing a paper

The things I've done today to not write my paper:
1. make three new song playlists
2. edit said playlists
3. play with the cats
4. brush the cats
5. use the cats as pillows
6. experiment with sandwich recipes
7. make a delicious new sandwich by adding sauerkraut to standard grilled cheese and avocado
8. refresh email every 30 seconds
9. write a blog post
10. check the anemic visitor logs to said blog... several times...
11. pluck eyebrows
12. feed the turtle
13. IM with friends all day long
14. plan a birthday party
15. not take a shower

Winnie the Pooh = MASH

Ew.

Despite being voted "the nation's favorite animal character" in a disturbing new survey, Pooh is no friend of mine.

And neither is the person who got this tattoo.

WTF?!?

Grandmaster Flashdance

In 1983, a young film student directed a decidedly DIY video for the seminal song, "White Lines." That plucky young director? Spike Lee. The cast? Lawrence Fishburne and a team of modern interpretive dancers.

Awesome '80s NY visuals... and some very literal lyrical interpretations, often expressed through jazz hands. Sweet!

Animal House... with Cats!

Part Big Brother, part America's Next Top Model, it's the Meow Mix House, a wonderfully terrible new reality show starring cats. Ten rescued kitties will duke it out in weekly contests like "Best Purr" and "Top Post-Climber" (What about Stinkiest Breath? Longest Bad Smell Face?).

In voiceovers and blogs (blogs!), you can even get to know each cat's personality.

When a cat gets voted out, it will move to a permanent home and get a year's supply of Meow Mix as a consolation prize.


Cisco looks pretty tough...

But what about these two sweet guys?


Animal Planet will air three-minute segments from 9-10pm on Fridays starting June 16.

Speaking of Mash...

Yet another reason not to accept candy from strangers.

Prince Meets Sly Stone Meets Funkadelic... or something

Jamie Lidell: not as angry as he seems.

I was in Miami a few months ago and was lucky enough to catch a set by British funk/soul/electronica extraordinaire, Jamie Lidell. He's got an elaborate set-up with all kinds of devices, computers, drum machines, samplers, and microphones but he's a performer. The utter boredom inspired by laptop musicians is well-documented elsewhere, but it seems Lidell is trying to push the model. Styley Lidell records his own beatboxing and neo-soul-ish vocals live, and then skillfully loops, weaves, and scratches the soundbytes, all while dancing and singing. I love dancing and singing! Especially dancing.

Despite the freeflowing Absolut in Miami, it was a tough crowd, braving harsh wind and torrential rains. Lidell was the only act who had everybody shaking their booty, singing along, and loving the hell out of it. One of those performers you just have to see live.

He's playing at Mezzanine in SF on June 29 with Edan and Nobody (and some other places, too). So solid. So much fun to be had. Check it out!

Even NPR likes him... wait, is that bad?

UPDATE: Jamie Lidell: the Pitchfork interview.

Meals from a Can, vol. 1

You may scoff at eating entire meals out of cans, but I'm here to share a savory and satisfying recipe that you won't soon forget!

Cristy's Signature Salad #1

Ingredients:
1 can garbanzo beans
1 can artichoke hearts or hearts of palm
1 can diced tomatoes
extra-virgin olive oil (decent quality is best)
balsalmic vinegar (again, good quality stuff is ideal)
salt & pepper

Directions:
Open cans and drain. Dump contents into a bowl. Sprinkle with salt and pepper. You can also add other herbs and spices like garlic powder, italian herbs, savory seasoning mix, etc. Add oil and vinegar to taste (I usually end up using a tablespoon or two of each). Mix it up. Voila! A cool, refreshing, and hearty salad that lasts a few days in the fridge.

You're welcome.

What Did We Do, Baby, Without Us?

While the Family Ties theme song may exhibit mash-like moments, don't ever doubt the sweetness of this pop cultural relic. Yet, Nick-at-Nite has inexplicably taken the Keaton family out of our lives and given us Full House's cringeworthy Tanners instead. Why?


Oh, how I miss the financial wizardry of Alex P. Keaton and the pimply growing pains of young Jen. And who could forget that lovable louse, Nick, who repeatedly charmed us with his hilarious, "Heeeeyyyy"?

Luckily, there's an important online petition that demands the return of Family Ties.

Never mind that the petition expired over two years ago. Let your voice be heard!
(by the four people, including me, who might read said petition)

The Mash Theory: A Breakdown

Imagine the scene: Dusk. You are a young child anxiously awaiting your parents' return from work. You are slightly lonely, but mostly bored. You've been enjoying your Charles in Charge reruns all afternoon when suddenly the creepy melodies of the M.A.S.H. theme song fill the air. The TV screen takes on a distinctly greenish tinge. You shudder.
You have just experienced the Mash Effect/Affect.

That insidious feeling of olde timey discomfort and sepia-toned sentimentality perhaps best describes the MASH theory. But the shudder can take oh-so-many forms.

Some common MASH catalysts:
- The Andy Griffith Show (that god-forsaken whistle)
- The Spin Doctors: "Little Miss Can't Be Wrong"
- Richard Marx: any song
- Goodwill thrift stores, especially on a hot day
- Christmas day after all the presents have been opened (esp. between the ages of 10-15 yrs. old)
- Counting Crows: "Mr. Jones"
- Berkeley houses with faded political stickers in the windows
- Babies "R" Us
- Art Cars
- Candy Ravers
- Sunday afternoon TV when only football and Short Circuit 2 are on
- Bob's Big Boy (and most '50s-themed diners)
- Precious Moments figurines

Coined in late 1997, the MASH Theory originated in Santa Barbara, CA and is now widely used by sufferers coast-to-coast, from SF to LA, from New York to New Jersey.