Collectible MASH

Antique stores and their oddities can sometimes take a turn for the mash with their olde timey broken jewelry boxes, dusty ashtrays, and stained rag dolls.

Now imagine a world where there are an infitine number of such strange treasures.
Welcome to ebay.

Case-in-point:
Vintage Baby Picture 1920s Blanket Real Hair LOOK!!!

From the seller:
"Here is a wonderful unique collectible. It is from the 1920s era and is 12.5" by 9.75". It is a print out of a baby nestled in a real blanket & pillow set that has lace around the outside. The baby also has real hair!!"

See for yourself:


Wha???

This is so wrong it almost swings all the way back to right again... but then it doesn't. Not even close.

And the MASH Goes On

R.I.P. Robert Altman (February 20, 1925 - November 20, 2006)

Holiday Mash

I've been a little heavy on the old war theme so I thought I'd lighten it up with a holiday-themed post. This is especially fitting after being forcefully thrust into holiday mode by my employer yesterday.

So, you know what's mash (besides Thanksgiving as a whole)? When, on November 14, every inch of public office space is saturated with lights, wreaths, mini trees, ornaments, tinsel, and candy canes. This is suppose to boost morale?!?


Does this count as workplace violence?

All Wars Are Not Created Equal

So, I've been TA'ing a class all about American war and memory. In reading about wars like WWI ("The Great War") and WWII ("The Good War") and Vietnam ('Nam) and the Civil War ("War of Brothers"), I've overwhelmingly decided that the Civil War is the most MASH of all.

The Civil War earns this distinction for several reasons, two of which include it's overwhelming old timey-ness and, you know, that whole slavery thing. But it starts to get very weird and journey into new levels of MASH in its aftermath almost 150 years later (yes, we were fighting to keep slaves just 150 years ago).

I'm talking about the world of contemporary Civil War reenactors.

These are die-hard Civil War buffs who spend all of their time, money, and energy recreating the CW battles on the original battlegrounds wearing original soldier garb with original gunpowder rifles and cannons... every weekend. Oh, and the Rebels of today are still fighting to keep the Confederate flag waving on government buildings. (It still flies on the grounds of South Carolina's capitol).

Anywho, just to give you a glimpse of the Fabulous Life of Reenactors, here's a video tribute I found. Keep in mind, this is filmed in 2006! And to add mash on top of mash, it's sepia-toned!!!

105th PVI 2006

From the People of the USA

via travlr on flickr

M*A*S*H* Costumes

Still need a costume? Already planning for next year?

Get your "Mash Doctor" costume here. Just $79!


OR, for the same low price, you can be a Mash doctor in a Hawaiian shirt!


Still no? Ok, ok. I have the perfect look for you.

Mash priest! And the costume even includes a straw hat. You know how priests in the Korean War dress. This is authentic, folks!
  

Mashtastic!

I'm Baaaaaack

Hello.

In order to commemorate one of the mashest days of the year, I'm back in the saddle.

So, why is today mash, you ask? A list:

1. Daylight savings and, thus, any residual feelings of summertime goodness, are officially gone.


2. Sunset was at 5:12pm today, and by November 30, it will be dark by 4:50pm. If that's not depressing, I don't know what is. Also, dusk is by far the mashest part of the day, period.


3. I slept until 1:15pm today. With the time change it was 12:15 but, still, that's just gross.


4. Adding insult to injury, today is Sunday. School is tomorrow, 60 Minutes is on tonight, you know the drill.

Can you feel it?


Other generally mash days:

• Christmas PM (presents are already opened, nothing on TV, nothing to do, stuck at home)


• Thanksgiving PM (see Christmas PM, except minus gifts, plus turkey hangover)


• New Year's Day (you're hung over, everything's closed, and nothing's on TV except football and the Rose Parade.)

The Rose Parade is SO mash.

As a matter of fact, I will be so bold as to say that the months of October - December generally champion the highest mash factor of the year. Get ready folks, we're just settling in for the storm.

Now can you feel it?

Mash Round-Up

The beauty of the mash theory is that everyone has their own special mash touchstones, their own versions of the shudder. Fabulous friends and fans of mashtheory have been sending theirs my way.

I’ve compiled a list for all to enjoy:

• The twangy childhood song, “There’s a Hole in the Bucket, Dear Liza.” That Spearhead did a version ups the ante on the mash factor, in my book. (thanks, laurin)


• Back-to-school commercials. The excitement of new school clothes never cancels out the sad, inevitable fact that end of summer is nigh. (merci, erin)


• Being jolted awake every Sunday morning to the blasting sounds of Catholic sermons wafting from the kitchen. (gracias, sanders)





• Mass-produced St. Pauli’s Girl fraulein outfits, sold in the German version of Mervyn’s. I’d add that Mervyn's in general qualifies. (danke, jenne)







• Apple's ready-made suggestions for “heartfelt” iPod engravings for loved ones. Share the sweet "earthly delights" of technology. Wha??? (much appreciated, lizzz)

Well done, friends! Keep 'em coming!

Me, Luke, and our Green Chrysler LeBaron

My teen bop dreams have finally come true!

Dollarshort has created an online version of the super-fun MASH game that was the absolute highlight of my young life. My 4th grade fieldtrip to the La Brea Tar Pits just wouldn't have been the same without it. Hunched down in the bus seats, laughing 'til my sides hurt, I rolled the dice to see if Corey Haim or Corey Feldman and I would live in a mansion or a shack and drive a VW Rabbit or a Pinto.

I've dramatically re-enacted my pre-teen selections for your viewing enjoyment below. I think this version of my life turned out pretty well. I think Luke Perry would agree.



Try it out! You can choose girls or boys! Brazil or Japan! A Stanger or a PT Cruiser! What's your MASH life?

MASH Sense Memory: Childhood Smells

If you grew up in Southern California and spent any amount of time at Disneyland, you may remember that musty, wonderful smell of the Pirates of the Caribbean ride.

You’re on the boat, gliding through the cricket-filled swamplands where the old guy with a corn-cob pipe sits in his rocking chair, and you descend into the pirate caves. The air fills with a dank, slightly moldy (in a good way) aroma and you know the fun is about to begin. (And by fun, I mean the prison caves where detainees try to trick the dog into giving them the key, of course.)

Anyway, sometimes, when I turn on the air conditioning in my car, it smells like that for a couple of seconds. I love it. It’s a shining example of the good kind of mash that reminds you of the radness of being a kid and having the best time.

Now if only I could transmit smells via the internet to share the mustiness with you…

(Thanks to Staup-Money for jolting my memory!)

Faking It

On a bad date with no end in sight? Trapped at drinks with coworkers at a sports bar called Froggy's? Feeling unpopular and want to pretend you have friends? Feeling low and need undeserved gratuitous compliments? Feeling mashed out by the fact that you have no friends?

The Popularity Dialer is here!

A couple of NYU art students created this handy little insta-friend service. You sign up online to have your phone called at a particular time, and half of a conversation plays on the other end. The faux conversations are hilarious - especially the "female voice" popularity call!

Choose between four call options:
1)The original popularity call (male voice)
2)The popularity call II (female voice)
3)The affirmation call
4)The boss call (aka the "return to the office to deal with the xerox machine" call)

Don't you feel more popular already?

You can make others feel popular, too! I've already sent the affirmation call to a couple of friends who just might love being told how radical and wonderful they are... while in a work meeting with the boss, of course.

Drink Recipe: The Cheech

It's been a long week. Hell, it's been a long six weeks. Today is the last day of summer school (so mash). I feel like Mark Harmon and that calls for a drink.

Named after Cheech Marin and, apparently, a favorite sippin' specialty of a certain band, this little concoction will get you straight into weekend mode. It's tequila, but don't be scared. It's delicious.

Ingredients:
Patron Silver tequila
Tonic
Lime (fresh or Rose's)
A dash of Sprite
Ice


Tequila: What's to be afraid of?

Museum of Mailbox Art

Growing up, my family had our mailbox smashed and destroyed weekly. A lucky confluence of factors led to this enviable claim-to-fame: 1) a long driveway shrouded by trees that neatly concealed the culprits’ identities; 2) a mailbox positioned at the pinnacle of a hairpin curve, perfect for the drive-by; 3) two high school aged siblings, me and my bro; 4) an anti-litter crusading father who frequently leaped out of moving cars to scold kids from my school for “gifting” Carl’s Jr. cups to the neighborhood.

So, as you might guess, mailboxes are a touchy subject for me. I refuse to get attached to these postal receptacles. This, apparently, is not the case for these folks, who’ve created some pretty radical mailbox folk art.

Mail call!

"The Ben Dover"


"The Hammer"


"The Microwave"


"The Camera"


"The Uncle Sam"


"The Ass"

(via Sam's Mailbox Picture Collection and my new fave website, MOOM)

Suds Away!

Now in a "new hunky aroma"!

Snack Mash

Old timey packaging? Check.
Maraschino cherry preserves? Check.
"An American favorite since 1918"? You know it.
Cop with baton caricature? But, of course!

Caricature-iffic!

Head on over here to get your very own M*A*S*H* mural!


Or, a Regis and Kathie Lee commemoration:


Or, a blazing hot Eddie Murphy portrait:


A question for the ages: Does Kathie Lee manage to out-mash M*A*S*H*?

UPDATE: Check out this vintage clip of Jon Stewart doing a Kathie Lee impersonation!

Mash for Lovers

A friend recently alerted me to the extreme mashiness of romance self-help guides. As noted elsewhere, words like "lover" and "intimate" are already off-limits, and I'd like to extend that prohibition to "keep that spark alive" how-to's.

Case-in-point: Lovetripper.com's How to Make Every Trip a Honeymoon.
WARNING: This list of "do's" is not for the faint of heart!

How to create that loving feeling, the highlight reel:

• Watch for falling stars. Don’t forget to make a wish!
• Splurge with a helicopter or a submarine tour to take your love to new heights—or depths.
• Buy sleeping bags that zip together.
• Find a daisy—or a hibiscus or sunflower or any other local flower—and play “he loves me, he loves me not.” Each positive answer gets a kiss.
• Find a hayride and hop aboard.
• Gather seashells, pine cones or tiny pebbles. Create a heart at your door’s threshold.
• Go for a walk in the rain—wearing nothing but raincoats.
• Hop aboard a ferry. Kiss every time the ship’s horn sounds.
• If a rain shower arises, don’t let it dampen your day—go for a sensuous stroll.
• Pick flowers to match your partner’s eyes.
• Play hide and seek in a fragrant garden.
• Roll up your pants and wade along the water’s edge as you hold hands.
• See how long you can kiss underwater.
• Sit in a spring field and see how many wildflowers you can count together.
• Take a romantic rock or leaf hunt as you stroll or hike. Search for heart—or more risqué—shapes.
• Visit a marina and “window shop” to select your favorite vessels. Daydream about charting a course around the world, just the two of you.
• Take a hike and pick up small items along the way like a twig, a dried leaf, a feather, or a smooth pebble. That night, blindfold your partner and sensuously stroke the items across his or her bare skin. See if your lover can identify the item.
• Watch the clouds and imagine shapes in their puffy forms. Feeling naughty? The two of you can point out your own R—or X—rated shapes.

Yachts are always romantic, much like fragrant gardens, hayrides, and, of course, the sensuous stroke of a dirty feather across a lover's chest.

Très romantique!

Weekend Recipe: Grilled Pizza on the BBQ

This little recipe combines two of my favorite things: pizza and grilling. Plus, it's super easy, which totally rules. Plus Pizza Hut is totally mash.

Ingredients:
- Pizza dough (I buy the ready-to-go whole wheat dough from Trader Joe's)
- Pizza sauce (I get the kind in a jar, also from TJ's, but you can use tomato paste and add herbs)
- Assorted veggie toppings
- Shredded mozzarella cheese

Roll the dough into a ball and cut it into four equal sections.
Flatten each section (with hands or a rolling pin) into a pizza shape, maybe 1/4" to 1/2" thick.
Brush each side with olive oil.
Toss onto a pre-heated grill and grill each side a couple of minutes until there are grill marks. Don't worry - it won't seep through the grills.
Meanwhile, you should also be grilling your veggies and toppings.
Remove pizza crusts and add sauce, (pre-cooked) toppings, and cheese.
Put pizzas back on the grill for 3-5 minutes or until desired crispness.

Enjoy!


My family loves it! (Just kidding. That's someone else's family.)

It's All in a Name

You know you'll get a great hairdo at this place!

Let's kick it up a notch

M*A*S*H* in caricature form!

"Suicide is Painless" is quite painful, actually

The M*A*S*H* theme song, "Suicide is Painless," is literally the affective kernel that spawned the mash theory phenomenon. It embodies that depressing, creepy strain of nostalgia that sends young children (me) running to hide in closets and under beds at the knell of even the first three notes.

Stereogum has compiled three covers of the timeless tune.

Now you can relive those memories on demand!

(Merci, Mephisto!)

Word 'em up

You know how there are certain words that gross you out? Particular words that spawn a distinct twinge of mash and/or squeamishness when uttered?

I'd like to share a few of my most shuddery words. I think, for many of them, you'll concur:

• moist
• ointment
• supple
• pudding
• tender
• lover (in conversational use, not in the case of the musical smash hit, "Easy Lover")
• juicy
• creamy
• yoghurt (when spelled with an "h")
• crust (except when referring to pizza)

Are you sufficiently grossed out? Feel free to add your own dirty words in the comments.

Not Mash: Campus Ladies

As the theme song chimes, "Little misfits, gonna be a big hit."

I've got a fever for the Campus Ladies!

It's rare that the Oxygen Network gets it right but this little comedy gem is on the money if you love raunchy hilarity... which I definitely do. Joan and Barri are forty-somethings who become party-hopping, dorm-living college freshmen, navigating the ways of buying beer for minors, the technicalities of pube grooming, and the trickiness of casual sex. It's funny, I swear.

Curb Your Enthusiasm's Cheryl Hines executive produces and episodes regularly feature ridiculous guest spots like...

- Maya Rudolph as a lesbian feminist women's studies professor who tries to imagine "woman" without the "man" (hint: say "wo" really slow and with feeling)
- Paul Reubens as a long-haired, new-age (of course) drama teacher who helps the ladies get in touch with their "inner spirit"
- Best of all is the "Outrageous Outtakes" episode. Okay, I completely hate those super lame blooper shows. Thankfully, this is not one of those. These outtakes are mostly dirty, dirty adlibbing that didn't make it to air. So freaking spray-milk-out-of-your-nose funny.

8ish-minute versions of all video episodes are available for FREE in the iTunes Music Store.

Please enjoy. Joan and Barri really really want you to.

Mashionalism!

What could be more Mash or more American than patriotic clowns? Happy 4th!

I love Clowny Uncle Sam!

USA clown toys and pillows: Fun for the whole family!

Heck, get Mom and Aunt Sue in on the fun!

One part clown + One part flag + One part Christmas ornament
= TOTAL FUCKING MASHIONALIST DOMINATION!

A New Level of Internet Stalking

Much like the losers from this Onion article, I'm obsessed with examining the minutiae of mash theory visitors.

And my research has paid off. I'm pleased to announce that this little old blog is google's #1 search result for the phrase "cody matherson can i borrow a feeling." Woo hoo! It feels good at the top.

Other searches that have brought strangers far and wide to my little corner of the world?
"mash theme song scary"
"worst album covers can i borrow a feeling"
"who is voice of lady elaine fairchild"
"puppet lady creepy"
"puppet lady scary feelings"

and my personal fave:
"swimming in oil and vinegar simpsons"

Happy Friday!

rad, creepy, mashy image by machine

Also Mash: Discount Furniture Stores

You walk into the showroom to peruse multiple pre-fabricated living rooms, family rooms, bedrooms, and dining rooms in miniature.

There's lots and lots of plaid. Also, lots of stained wood. Also, it's a sunny Sunday afternoon and all you want to do is go home and watch your damn cartoons.

What is it about Sunday afternoons that makes things so much mashier?

Word of the Day

I'm a big dork - for many reasons - but one of them is my love for word of the day from dictionary websites. Lots of days I barely look, and when I do I barely care. But some days, a real treasure pops up.

Case-in-point, word of the day for Saturday, June 24:
Brobdingnagian: gigantic; enormous.

What a great frickin' word!

Five syllables, all nearly unrecognizable. It sounds like it'd be fun to say with an Irish accent. It has "ding" as a syllable. It's capitalized for no apparent reason; I imagine it as an ironic name given to one of the thumb-sized Lilliputians from Gulliver's Travels. It totally sounds like it could be.
"Oh, that Brobdingnagian - his eyes are bigger than his stomach! He thinks he's the size of Gulliver, don't he?"

Not that appetizing, actually

Another treat from the UK:

Can food be mash?

Memory Lane: Not a Vacation Destination

If vacations can be mash, which I certainly think they can (ghost towns, anyone?), this little museum in Wales might just be at the top of the itinerary.


Looks fun, right?

Specializing in old mechanical toys, tin boxes, broken dolls, educational games, and early trains, cars, and airplanes, the Museum of Chilhood Memories sends chills down my spine... and not in a good way.

A few snippets of the reviews? Coming right up:

Every room, every exhibit, breathes the Magic of Childhood.

From Nursery and tin plate toys to teddy bears and arcade games, there is something for every age group to relate to. [by "every" they mean "none"]

From an historical angle, it illustrates visually the habits and interests that brought pleasure to families over the past 150 years. [hurray for the historical pleasures of the family! nope, not mash at all.]

God, so many great memories of these old friends.

Book your ticket today!

The Face of a Generation

Steve Aoki, aka DJ Kid Millionaire, aka everywhere's resident hipster, has moved beyond his role as music maestro, Benihana heir, and women's studies scholar (scroll down for that one) to become the future of fashion... or, at least, beauty.

It seems that MAC Cosmetics' new line, Boy Beauty, draws hefty inspiration from the DJ muse, methinks.

See for yourself!

MAC clues us in to the new Aoki-inspired look:

What does a boy want? Same as the girls. Flawless skin, immaculate brows, soft-to-kiss lips. All incorporated into a collection destined to define, condition, and add glowingly handsome "boy beauty" to your looks. Girls can try it too!

I'll take two of everything, stat!