Mash for Lovers

A friend recently alerted me to the extreme mashiness of romance self-help guides. As noted elsewhere, words like "lover" and "intimate" are already off-limits, and I'd like to extend that prohibition to "keep that spark alive" how-to's.

Case-in-point: Lovetripper.com's How to Make Every Trip a Honeymoon.
WARNING: This list of "do's" is not for the faint of heart!

How to create that loving feeling, the highlight reel:

• Watch for falling stars. Don’t forget to make a wish!
• Splurge with a helicopter or a submarine tour to take your love to new heights—or depths.
• Buy sleeping bags that zip together.
• Find a daisy—or a hibiscus or sunflower or any other local flower—and play “he loves me, he loves me not.” Each positive answer gets a kiss.
• Find a hayride and hop aboard.
• Gather seashells, pine cones or tiny pebbles. Create a heart at your door’s threshold.
• Go for a walk in the rain—wearing nothing but raincoats.
• Hop aboard a ferry. Kiss every time the ship’s horn sounds.
• If a rain shower arises, don’t let it dampen your day—go for a sensuous stroll.
• Pick flowers to match your partner’s eyes.
• Play hide and seek in a fragrant garden.
• Roll up your pants and wade along the water’s edge as you hold hands.
• See how long you can kiss underwater.
• Sit in a spring field and see how many wildflowers you can count together.
• Take a romantic rock or leaf hunt as you stroll or hike. Search for heart—or more risqué—shapes.
• Visit a marina and “window shop” to select your favorite vessels. Daydream about charting a course around the world, just the two of you.
• Take a hike and pick up small items along the way like a twig, a dried leaf, a feather, or a smooth pebble. That night, blindfold your partner and sensuously stroke the items across his or her bare skin. See if your lover can identify the item.
• Watch the clouds and imagine shapes in their puffy forms. Feeling naughty? The two of you can point out your own R—or X—rated shapes.

Yachts are always romantic, much like fragrant gardens, hayrides, and, of course, the sensuous stroke of a dirty feather across a lover's chest.

Très romantique!