From the People of the USA

via travlr on flickr

M*A*S*H* Costumes

Still need a costume? Already planning for next year?

Get your "Mash Doctor" costume here. Just $79!


OR, for the same low price, you can be a Mash doctor in a Hawaiian shirt!


Still no? Ok, ok. I have the perfect look for you.

Mash priest! And the costume even includes a straw hat. You know how priests in the Korean War dress. This is authentic, folks!
  

Mashtastic!

I'm Baaaaaack

Hello.

In order to commemorate one of the mashest days of the year, I'm back in the saddle.

So, why is today mash, you ask? A list:

1. Daylight savings and, thus, any residual feelings of summertime goodness, are officially gone.


2. Sunset was at 5:12pm today, and by November 30, it will be dark by 4:50pm. If that's not depressing, I don't know what is. Also, dusk is by far the mashest part of the day, period.


3. I slept until 1:15pm today. With the time change it was 12:15 but, still, that's just gross.


4. Adding insult to injury, today is Sunday. School is tomorrow, 60 Minutes is on tonight, you know the drill.

Can you feel it?


Other generally mash days:

• Christmas PM (presents are already opened, nothing on TV, nothing to do, stuck at home)


• Thanksgiving PM (see Christmas PM, except minus gifts, plus turkey hangover)


• New Year's Day (you're hung over, everything's closed, and nothing's on TV except football and the Rose Parade.)

The Rose Parade is SO mash.

As a matter of fact, I will be so bold as to say that the months of October - December generally champion the highest mash factor of the year. Get ready folks, we're just settling in for the storm.

Now can you feel it?

Mash Round-Up

The beauty of the mash theory is that everyone has their own special mash touchstones, their own versions of the shudder. Fabulous friends and fans of mashtheory have been sending theirs my way.

I’ve compiled a list for all to enjoy:

• The twangy childhood song, “There’s a Hole in the Bucket, Dear Liza.” That Spearhead did a version ups the ante on the mash factor, in my book. (thanks, laurin)


• Back-to-school commercials. The excitement of new school clothes never cancels out the sad, inevitable fact that end of summer is nigh. (merci, erin)


• Being jolted awake every Sunday morning to the blasting sounds of Catholic sermons wafting from the kitchen. (gracias, sanders)





• Mass-produced St. Pauli’s Girl fraulein outfits, sold in the German version of Mervyn’s. I’d add that Mervyn's in general qualifies. (danke, jenne)







• Apple's ready-made suggestions for “heartfelt” iPod engravings for loved ones. Share the sweet "earthly delights" of technology. Wha??? (much appreciated, lizzz)

Well done, friends! Keep 'em coming!

Me, Luke, and our Green Chrysler LeBaron

My teen bop dreams have finally come true!

Dollarshort has created an online version of the super-fun MASH game that was the absolute highlight of my young life. My 4th grade fieldtrip to the La Brea Tar Pits just wouldn't have been the same without it. Hunched down in the bus seats, laughing 'til my sides hurt, I rolled the dice to see if Corey Haim or Corey Feldman and I would live in a mansion or a shack and drive a VW Rabbit or a Pinto.

I've dramatically re-enacted my pre-teen selections for your viewing enjoyment below. I think this version of my life turned out pretty well. I think Luke Perry would agree.



Try it out! You can choose girls or boys! Brazil or Japan! A Stanger or a PT Cruiser! What's your MASH life?

MASH Sense Memory: Childhood Smells

If you grew up in Southern California and spent any amount of time at Disneyland, you may remember that musty, wonderful smell of the Pirates of the Caribbean ride.

You’re on the boat, gliding through the cricket-filled swamplands where the old guy with a corn-cob pipe sits in his rocking chair, and you descend into the pirate caves. The air fills with a dank, slightly moldy (in a good way) aroma and you know the fun is about to begin. (And by fun, I mean the prison caves where detainees try to trick the dog into giving them the key, of course.)

Anyway, sometimes, when I turn on the air conditioning in my car, it smells like that for a couple of seconds. I love it. It’s a shining example of the good kind of mash that reminds you of the radness of being a kid and having the best time.

Now if only I could transmit smells via the internet to share the mustiness with you…

(Thanks to Staup-Money for jolting my memory!)

Faking It

On a bad date with no end in sight? Trapped at drinks with coworkers at a sports bar called Froggy's? Feeling unpopular and want to pretend you have friends? Feeling low and need undeserved gratuitous compliments? Feeling mashed out by the fact that you have no friends?

The Popularity Dialer is here!

A couple of NYU art students created this handy little insta-friend service. You sign up online to have your phone called at a particular time, and half of a conversation plays on the other end. The faux conversations are hilarious - especially the "female voice" popularity call!

Choose between four call options:
1)The original popularity call (male voice)
2)The popularity call II (female voice)
3)The affirmation call
4)The boss call (aka the "return to the office to deal with the xerox machine" call)

Don't you feel more popular already?

You can make others feel popular, too! I've already sent the affirmation call to a couple of friends who just might love being told how radical and wonderful they are... while in a work meeting with the boss, of course.

Drink Recipe: The Cheech

It's been a long week. Hell, it's been a long six weeks. Today is the last day of summer school (so mash). I feel like Mark Harmon and that calls for a drink.

Named after Cheech Marin and, apparently, a favorite sippin' specialty of a certain band, this little concoction will get you straight into weekend mode. It's tequila, but don't be scared. It's delicious.

Ingredients:
Patron Silver tequila
Tonic
Lime (fresh or Rose's)
A dash of Sprite
Ice


Tequila: What's to be afraid of?

Museum of Mailbox Art

Growing up, my family had our mailbox smashed and destroyed weekly. A lucky confluence of factors led to this enviable claim-to-fame: 1) a long driveway shrouded by trees that neatly concealed the culprits’ identities; 2) a mailbox positioned at the pinnacle of a hairpin curve, perfect for the drive-by; 3) two high school aged siblings, me and my bro; 4) an anti-litter crusading father who frequently leaped out of moving cars to scold kids from my school for “gifting” Carl’s Jr. cups to the neighborhood.

So, as you might guess, mailboxes are a touchy subject for me. I refuse to get attached to these postal receptacles. This, apparently, is not the case for these folks, who’ve created some pretty radical mailbox folk art.

Mail call!

"The Ben Dover"


"The Hammer"


"The Microwave"


"The Camera"


"The Uncle Sam"


"The Ass"

(via Sam's Mailbox Picture Collection and my new fave website, MOOM)

Suds Away!

Now in a "new hunky aroma"!

Snack Mash

Old timey packaging? Check.
Maraschino cherry preserves? Check.
"An American favorite since 1918"? You know it.
Cop with baton caricature? But, of course!

Caricature-iffic!

Head on over here to get your very own M*A*S*H* mural!


Or, a Regis and Kathie Lee commemoration:


Or, a blazing hot Eddie Murphy portrait:


A question for the ages: Does Kathie Lee manage to out-mash M*A*S*H*?

UPDATE: Check out this vintage clip of Jon Stewart doing a Kathie Lee impersonation!

Mash for Lovers

A friend recently alerted me to the extreme mashiness of romance self-help guides. As noted elsewhere, words like "lover" and "intimate" are already off-limits, and I'd like to extend that prohibition to "keep that spark alive" how-to's.

Case-in-point: Lovetripper.com's How to Make Every Trip a Honeymoon.
WARNING: This list of "do's" is not for the faint of heart!

How to create that loving feeling, the highlight reel:

• Watch for falling stars. Don’t forget to make a wish!
• Splurge with a helicopter or a submarine tour to take your love to new heights—or depths.
• Buy sleeping bags that zip together.
• Find a daisy—or a hibiscus or sunflower or any other local flower—and play “he loves me, he loves me not.” Each positive answer gets a kiss.
• Find a hayride and hop aboard.
• Gather seashells, pine cones or tiny pebbles. Create a heart at your door’s threshold.
• Go for a walk in the rain—wearing nothing but raincoats.
• Hop aboard a ferry. Kiss every time the ship’s horn sounds.
• If a rain shower arises, don’t let it dampen your day—go for a sensuous stroll.
• Pick flowers to match your partner’s eyes.
• Play hide and seek in a fragrant garden.
• Roll up your pants and wade along the water’s edge as you hold hands.
• See how long you can kiss underwater.
• Sit in a spring field and see how many wildflowers you can count together.
• Take a romantic rock or leaf hunt as you stroll or hike. Search for heart—or more risqué—shapes.
• Visit a marina and “window shop” to select your favorite vessels. Daydream about charting a course around the world, just the two of you.
• Take a hike and pick up small items along the way like a twig, a dried leaf, a feather, or a smooth pebble. That night, blindfold your partner and sensuously stroke the items across his or her bare skin. See if your lover can identify the item.
• Watch the clouds and imagine shapes in their puffy forms. Feeling naughty? The two of you can point out your own R—or X—rated shapes.

Yachts are always romantic, much like fragrant gardens, hayrides, and, of course, the sensuous stroke of a dirty feather across a lover's chest.

Très romantique!

Weekend Recipe: Grilled Pizza on the BBQ

This little recipe combines two of my favorite things: pizza and grilling. Plus, it's super easy, which totally rules. Plus Pizza Hut is totally mash.

Ingredients:
- Pizza dough (I buy the ready-to-go whole wheat dough from Trader Joe's)
- Pizza sauce (I get the kind in a jar, also from TJ's, but you can use tomato paste and add herbs)
- Assorted veggie toppings
- Shredded mozzarella cheese

Roll the dough into a ball and cut it into four equal sections.
Flatten each section (with hands or a rolling pin) into a pizza shape, maybe 1/4" to 1/2" thick.
Brush each side with olive oil.
Toss onto a pre-heated grill and grill each side a couple of minutes until there are grill marks. Don't worry - it won't seep through the grills.
Meanwhile, you should also be grilling your veggies and toppings.
Remove pizza crusts and add sauce, (pre-cooked) toppings, and cheese.
Put pizzas back on the grill for 3-5 minutes or until desired crispness.

Enjoy!


My family loves it! (Just kidding. That's someone else's family.)

It's All in a Name

You know you'll get a great hairdo at this place!

Let's kick it up a notch

M*A*S*H* in caricature form!

"Suicide is Painless" is quite painful, actually

The M*A*S*H* theme song, "Suicide is Painless," is literally the affective kernel that spawned the mash theory phenomenon. It embodies that depressing, creepy strain of nostalgia that sends young children (me) running to hide in closets and under beds at the knell of even the first three notes.

Stereogum has compiled three covers of the timeless tune.

Now you can relive those memories on demand!

(Merci, Mephisto!)

Word 'em up

You know how there are certain words that gross you out? Particular words that spawn a distinct twinge of mash and/or squeamishness when uttered?

I'd like to share a few of my most shuddery words. I think, for many of them, you'll concur:

• moist
• ointment
• supple
• pudding
• tender
• lover (in conversational use, not in the case of the musical smash hit, "Easy Lover")
• juicy
• creamy
• yoghurt (when spelled with an "h")
• crust (except when referring to pizza)

Are you sufficiently grossed out? Feel free to add your own dirty words in the comments.

Not Mash: Campus Ladies

As the theme song chimes, "Little misfits, gonna be a big hit."

I've got a fever for the Campus Ladies!

It's rare that the Oxygen Network gets it right but this little comedy gem is on the money if you love raunchy hilarity... which I definitely do. Joan and Barri are forty-somethings who become party-hopping, dorm-living college freshmen, navigating the ways of buying beer for minors, the technicalities of pube grooming, and the trickiness of casual sex. It's funny, I swear.

Curb Your Enthusiasm's Cheryl Hines executive produces and episodes regularly feature ridiculous guest spots like...

- Maya Rudolph as a lesbian feminist women's studies professor who tries to imagine "woman" without the "man" (hint: say "wo" really slow and with feeling)
- Paul Reubens as a long-haired, new-age (of course) drama teacher who helps the ladies get in touch with their "inner spirit"
- Best of all is the "Outrageous Outtakes" episode. Okay, I completely hate those super lame blooper shows. Thankfully, this is not one of those. These outtakes are mostly dirty, dirty adlibbing that didn't make it to air. So freaking spray-milk-out-of-your-nose funny.

8ish-minute versions of all video episodes are available for FREE in the iTunes Music Store.

Please enjoy. Joan and Barri really really want you to.

Mashionalism!

What could be more Mash or more American than patriotic clowns? Happy 4th!

I love Clowny Uncle Sam!

USA clown toys and pillows: Fun for the whole family!

Heck, get Mom and Aunt Sue in on the fun!

One part clown + One part flag + One part Christmas ornament
= TOTAL FUCKING MASHIONALIST DOMINATION!